I am truly shocked to have lost half a pound at weigh in! I was expecting a 4lb gain or thereabouts. I don't know where that figure came from by the way. It just sounded right. So this has proved to me that while you can't outrun a bad diet, you can have a couple of days off plan once in a while and if you do exercise and get straight back on it and don't use a weekend as an excuse to slack off for a week, or a month, you will be ok.
Last week I came across a post I wrote a while ago when I was planning to start a blog and didn't really bother. It was a cathartic post to write as I needed to rant. It was coming up to Easter and a couple of people had been saying I can't diet over Easter, 4 days off won't hurt etc etc. I was determined that I wasn't using Easter as an excuse to slack off (and while I do realise I've literally just said you can have a few days off now and then, for me Easter doesn't warrant it because I'm not really celebrating anything, I'm not religious and I don't like Easter egg chocolate much either so I wouldn't choose this as a special occasion. I choose Christmas day and my birthday). These people started taunting me basically saying just have an Easter egg. Oh go on have a hot cross bun, have a cake, and ended up them laughing at me, imagining me face down in a chocolate gateaux. It wasn't very pleasant for me. The following post was the result of that exchange....
Yesterday I had a little bit of a breakdown. I've been feeling pretty miserable about myself for a while now, as I gained weight during pregnancy (which is inevitable) and I've really struggled to lose it, and I feel pretty rubbish about my appearance. There are deeper issues than baby weight though. I was mentally abused in my former marriage. My ex drummed into me that I was fat, ugly, useless etc, it was a power thing i suppose. He was very controlling and chipping away at my confidence day by day was part of gaining that control over me. Making me have so little self esteem I couldn't really make any decisions for myself anymore. Not a nice place to be. I have regained some confidence since we split some years ago but that little nagging voice in my head that he put there, will never ever go away. I was feeling really good about myself when I met my current partner. Not skinny but curves in the right places and I was getting a fair bit of male attention. I think I fell a little bit in love with him the first time we met. I know I moan about him sometimes but he really is the most lovely man
I've had 2 very serious relationships before him and he's completely different to either of them in every way. He doesn't do mind games, he's straightforward and what you see is what you get. He's also quite beautiful. No relationship is perfect (and anyone who says theirs is, is a massive liar) but he generally makes me happier than anyone else ever has. And we have a beautiful daughter, who has enriched our lives and stolen our hearts.
So, why the breakdown? Well I have been dieting since the start of the year and recently started exercising again. I am near the 2 stone lost mark at the moment and I am so proud of that. But I know I have another 2 to go easily. I've done this before, I had a lot of weight to lose after an accident left me housebound for over a year. I was on my own at the time, my ex husband decided he couldn't be arsed with a wife that was a cripple (his words) so he fucked off. Once I had had my surgery and recovered enough strength in my spine and leg to do serious exercise, I started my long and difficult journey. I had to be very strict with myself and not have these 'treat days' other dieters do once a week where they eat whatever they like. I can't do that. My metabolism is either shit, or my body loves the fat too much to let go. Or maybe both. But I can't get away with the odd little cheat. I have to account for everything and the days I do indulge I have to be super strict the rest of the week to avoid that one day ruining it all.
I've been doing this lately. I've re-found my mojo finally after a year of half arsed attempts. And once I find that mojo I need to cling onto it cos once it's lost it's a sneaky little bugger and it takes so long to find again that by the time I do, I am back to square one.
I feel at the moment that I don't look any better for having lost that 25lb. I can't see a difference in myself at all. Which is hard, I've worked hard to get that off and I was hoping I would start to like what I see in the mirror by now. But I don't. I detest it in fact. If I could be ANYONE else in the world other than me, I would do it.
So yesterday, being involved in what was undoubtedly a bit of banter, set me off. I know nothing was probably meant by it, but, whilst I can quite easily take the piss out of myself for the way I look, do not mistake this for meaning you can too. I do it as a defence i suppose. I call myself names before someone else can get in there first. Something I developed as a defence in my marriage. If I call myself a fat bitch, then it takes the fun out of it for the 'bully' and then maybe they won't bother. I can joke about my flaws. But please don't you do it. Because it cuts me like the sharpest knife in the drawer being plunged into my (fat) skin. Maybe I am in the wrong, saying, I can do this, you can't. But it's how I feel. I cried yesterday after the little spat. I felt terrible about myself. To put it into context i described it to a friend as this :
Have you seen the film Matilda? Have you seen the part where the teacher makes the fat boy stuff himself with a whole chocolate cake in front of the entire school, to make an example out of him being fat? That's what I felt like yesterday. That fat kid.
So yes, I get up at 5am to exercise before I work. And yes I will check syn values in everything before I eat it. I will hesitate when there are buffets at work and if I decide to indulge I will only take one or two things and not a plateful, and not seconds. I will joke about my fat arse till the cows come home. But please think twice before you join in. Because I will take it to heart and I already dislike my appearance more than any of you could probably ever comprehend. I don't need any more ammo against myself. X
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