My mama

It occurred to me earlier that I should probably blog a little about my back story. This blog is meant to follow my progress in a year leading up to a half marathon for breast cancer care. I'm doing it in my beautiful mamas memory so it seems fitting to document what happened with her. Why I'm doing all this. I think the recent loss of my friend and colleague has brought this to the forefront of my mind. I'm still struggling to believe she is gone. But it's only been a week. And I still struggle to believe my mama is gone.

Its easily the biggest life event that has affected me to date (in a negative way), losing my mam. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Divorce, my own health issues, mental abuse, attempted rape - none of that comes close.

My mam was my absolute rock. My best friend. We obviously had the usual clashes in my teenage years, but to be honest I was an utter cow so I don't blame her. But she's always been the one by my side throughout all the other shit in my life. She's bailed me out. Helped me pick up the pieces and put them back together to form some kind of normality so many times I couldn't possibly begin to tell you them all.

We have also had some of THE best laughs ever. Days out every weekend nearly, and many a night spent staying over at hers with a good film, a bottle of wine and a Chinese takeaway (my dad works nights). Proper best friend material.

I first started to notice something wasn't right just over 5 years ago. She had had a cough that had seemed to go on for weeks. I kept asking her had she been to the doctors yet? And her usual answer was 'no I feel a bit better this week though so it's obviously going away now' . But it didn't. Our days out on a Saturday started to seem like they were getting a bit much for her. She wouldn't have it though. Was adamant she was fine. We were going away for a few days in the summer. We had hired a huge lovely house near the Lake District and I was going to abseil to raise money for cancer research uk. I have done some form of fundraising every year for as long as I can remember. My mam was always my biggest supporter. The loudest cheerer. While we were away, she barely left the house. This was unusual. We often spent time in the lakes and we always had a very active few days and the house or cottage we stayed in was usually just a base to sleep and have the odd meal. Not this time. She hadn't the energy. She refused to come to watch my abseil. I was so devastated. It wasn't the same. I begged her to promise she would go see the doctor when we got back. She was tired, cold all the time (coat on, heating on and hot water bottle in July). She said she would.

We got back and of course she didn't go, she quite firmly told me to get off her back or we were going to fall out. We were at a loss as to what to do anymore. She was obviously quite poorly. Was a very odd colour and getting less and less mobile by the day. We rang the doctors and asked them for help. They said they could do nothing, as she had a choice whether she wanted to be seen by a doctor or not and if she said no, they couldn't force her. We felt so helpless.

This went on for a few more weeks. I had so many tearful conversations with her, begging her to please reconsider and go and see them, see what was wrong so they could get her better. She would either refuse, or promise she would go but then not see it through.

In the end after about 6 weeks of this ongoing battle we made a breakthrough. It was horrible, because we had to all threaten to stop speaking to her, my dad said he would leave, and my brother said he would stop letting her see the kids, unless she went to the doctor. None of us would have actually done it. But it worked and she went. Immediately they rushed her to hospital. Said she had a stomach ulcer that was bleeding so badly if she had left it another day or two she would have died. She had 7 blood transfusions in total. And she started to look more like her old self. She was in hospital a total of 3 weeks getting her strength up. Then came the bombshell. She had cancer. But was too weak for treatment because of this internal bleed.

She told me it was skin cancer on her chest but also that she had tumours in the Breast. She had had this mole that had bled for years, and it had got worse and worse over the last 3 years and was basically a huge gaping wound now. She had hidden this from all of us, buying dressings and cleaning and dressing it herself. Because she was afraid to go and see her doctor in case it was bad news.

Well now it was bad news. She had an operation a few weeks later and a skin graft and she was feeling very positive. Great. Thankfully it's been caught in time we all said. But she struggled to recover and at a follow up appointment a few weeks later the skin cancer was back. Another operation was needed and some radiotherapy. Which would take place over christmas and new year.

Except christmas came and she was not well enough for the treatment. She was in too much pain. Even the journey to the hospital each day was agony for her and by the time she got there they were unable to get her into the right position because of the pain.

Just after new year, she was admitted into hospital again as she was in pain so badly and had a terrible fever. An infection they suspected. That was the start of the ultimate nightmare. After being in hospital a week or so, being treated for pneumonia, we were taken to one side and told, the reason she is in so much pain is that she has cancer in pretty much every organ and bone in her body. And we cannot do anything about it. If she had had the mole sorted when she first noticed it a few years back it would be a very different story but it's had years to spread and it's done just that.

We brought her home a couple of days later. Nobody told her she was dying but she knew. The last conversation we had, she told me she was frightened of what laid ahead. I told her not to be, it was going to be alright. She thanked me for being the best daughter in the world. And that was the last time we spoke. She was gone the next day, a week after coming home.

I think I am still in shock now even though it was nearly 4 years ago. This isn't what was supposed to happen. She is still meant to be here. I miss her every single day.

If anyone is reading this, I guess what I want you to take from this is please don't ignore it if you think something is wrong. Even if you are scared of what may be, don't throw away a chance through fear.

The work of the breast cancer care charity I'm doing this for is so vital and important in supporting people through their diagnosis and treatment. They do so much, they offer so many different forms of help that I honestly wish my mam had known about them. Maybe she would have got help sooner and been less afraid. I guess we will never know but one thing I am certain of is that if I can help them to help even one person then I'll be over the moon with that.