Guess how much I love you

Slightly off topic today. Not talking about weight loss, food, running. Talking about life.

I saw a post on Facebook which made me think. Those little words. I love you. Do we say them enough? Do we say them too much? Can there be too much? I think if you mean it then no. There is no such thing as too much.

I tell my boyfriend that I love him every night before I fall asleep. And sometimes at other random points in the day. I tell my daughter I love her all the time. Probably even more so now she has started to say it back, in her cute little toddler voice. Its adorable. Who doesn't love being loved? Its the greatest thing in the world. Well it is for me anyway. Loving someone who loves you right back - what more could you want?

My boyfriend is not one for talking about feelings. He doesnt really do PDA'S and he isn't the type to do mushy Facebook posts. He's not that romantic to be honest. But I know its not because he doesn't love me. He shows it in other ways. He is a good dad and a good partner, he never complains about money (the greatest source of argument in most relationships) and he is excellent at looking after me if I'm poorly. He doesn't tend to randomly tell me he loves me. Not often anyway. Well not compared to me - its usually a reply to me saying it to him. That's ok though. I know we are different in this sense. I am very open about my feelings. Maybe too open.

There is a reason we differ so much in this. I have experienced loss that he hasn't. And that changed everything. Its no secret that I lost my mam. I've mentioned it before. I was 34. Too young to lose her by far. I think we all have a handful of people in our lives who make up our reason for being. Those who are vital to our wellbeing and happiness. That we cannot imagine being without. Mine are my parents, my boyfriend, my daughter. And one of those people have now gone. Loss is never pleasant. But there will always be some losses that hit you harder than others. I'm not about to assume that for everyone it would be a mother as people have different relationships with their families but for the most part I would say parents are up there.

When you have lost one of those people from your innermost circle, a bit of you is lost too. The part of you that thrives because of their very existence is dulled and some of it never comes back. You think over and over about your last conversations with them. What did I say? What did she say? Did I tell her I loved her? (Of course I did - we said it a lot). Did I say it enough though? There is always going to be the wish that you said it more. Even for me who said it often. I regret not saying it more. Our last conversation was the afternoon before she died. She told me she was frightened. I told her it would be alright. She said she was so grateful to have me as a daughter and thanked me. I told her she was the best mam I could ever have had, and thanked her too. It was lovely but weird. I think we both knew it was the last time. I can't remember if we said we loved each other. I'm sure we will have done but I cannot remember it. And I hate that.

So, this is why I say it every day. I want them to know they are loved. You never know when your last chance might be. That might sound a bit morbid but I don't mean it to. I think there is a lot to be said for love, and expressing that. Tell someone you love them. You've nothing to lose. ❤