What a week

This week has been absolutely awful. Not much else could have gone wrong. I've had so many issues with work, they have been cruddy. My dog died on Monday too. She was 11 years old and getting around was starting to cause her a bit of bother but I still thought she had a bit more time. Bless her. I've tried to explain it to Megan but she's only 2. She doesn't really get it.

I will be glad to see the back of this week to be quite honest. I have been on track food wise despite the crap that's been thrown my way and I feel good about that. I haven't done 3 runs as usual though. I did one on Monday but by Wednesday I was already fed up with the world and extra sleep seemed to be much more tempting. I'm fine with that - I think I needed that extra hour in bed. Besides I made up for that this morning as I managed to do a whopping 6.2 miles (10km). This little mini goal was in my mind to achieve by Christmas. I won't lie, it was bloody hard. And I did walk for about 15-20 seconds twice when I got a really bad stitch, as I'd rather keep moving than stop altogether till its gone. But I did it. And I'll do it again.

Wondering if this run will impact weigh in tomorrow. My 1.5 stone award is so close I can smell it. But when I have pushed myself sometimes it results in a STS the next day at weigh in. We shall see. I really hope I get it.

We have a child free night tonight and I have a bottle of wine chilling in the fridge. Saving my syns to have a couple of glasses. If I get my award tomorrow I'll be having a couple more to celebrate.

Have a picture of my sweaty face after this mornings run. Enjoy!!

Weigh in surprises and a blast from the past.

I am truly shocked to have lost half a pound at weigh in! I was expecting a 4lb gain or thereabouts. I don't know where that figure came from by the way. It just sounded right. So this has proved to me that while you can't outrun a bad diet, you can have a couple of days off plan once in a while and if you do exercise and get straight back on it and don't use a weekend as an excuse to slack off for a week, or a month, you will be ok.

Last week I came across a post I wrote a while ago when I was planning to start a blog and didn't really bother. It was a cathartic post to write as I needed to rant. It was coming up to Easter and a couple of people had been saying I can't diet over Easter, 4 days off won't hurt etc etc. I was determined that I wasn't using Easter as an excuse to slack off (and while I do realise I've literally just said you can have a few days off now and then, for me Easter doesn't warrant it because I'm not really celebrating anything, I'm not religious and I don't like Easter egg chocolate much either so I wouldn't choose this as a special occasion. I choose Christmas day and my birthday). These people started taunting me basically saying just have an Easter egg. Oh go on have a hot cross bun, have a cake, and ended up them laughing at me, imagining me face down in a chocolate gateaux. It wasn't very pleasant for me. The following post was the result of that exchange....

Yesterday I had a little bit of a breakdown. I've been feeling pretty miserable about myself for a while now, as I gained weight during pregnancy (which is inevitable) and I've really struggled to lose it, and I feel pretty rubbish about my appearance. There are deeper issues than baby weight though. I was mentally abused in my former marriage. My ex drummed into me that I was fat, ugly, useless etc, it was a power thing i suppose. He was very controlling and chipping away at my confidence day by day was part of gaining that control over me. Making me have so little self esteem I couldn't really make any decisions for myself anymore. Not a nice place to be. I have regained some confidence since we split some years ago but that little nagging voice in my head that he put there, will never ever go away. I was feeling really good about myself when I met my current partner. Not skinny but curves in the right places and I was getting a fair bit of male attention. I think I fell a little bit in love with him the first time we met. I know I moan about him sometimes but he really is the most lovely man
I've had 2 very serious relationships before him and he's completely different to either of them in every way. He doesn't do mind games, he's straightforward and what you see is what you get. He's also quite beautiful. No relationship is perfect (and anyone who says theirs is, is a massive liar) but he generally makes me happier than anyone else ever has. And we have a beautiful daughter, who has enriched our lives and stolen our hearts.

So, why the breakdown? Well I have been dieting since the start of the year and recently started exercising again. I am near the 2 stone lost mark at the moment and I am so proud of that. But I know I have another 2 to go easily. I've done this before, I had a lot of weight to lose after an accident left me housebound for over a year. I was on my own at the time, my ex husband decided he couldn't be arsed with a wife that was a cripple (his words) so he fucked off. Once I had had my surgery and recovered enough strength in my spine and leg to do serious exercise, I started my long and difficult journey. I had to be very strict with myself and not have these 'treat days' other  dieters do once a week where they eat whatever they like. I can't do that. My metabolism is either shit, or my body loves the fat too much to let go. Or maybe both. But I can't get away with the odd little cheat. I have to account for everything and the days I do indulge I have to be super strict the rest of the week to avoid that one day ruining it all.

I've been doing this lately. I've re-found my mojo finally after a year of half arsed attempts. And once I find that mojo I need to cling onto it cos once it's lost it's a sneaky little bugger and it takes so long to find again that by the time I do, I am back to square one.

I feel at the moment that I don't look any better for having lost that 25lb. I can't see a difference in myself at all. Which is hard, I've worked hard to get that off and I was hoping I would start to like what I see in the mirror by now. But I don't. I detest it in fact. If I could be ANYONE else in the world other than me, I would do it.

So yesterday, being involved in what was undoubtedly a bit of banter, set me off. I know nothing was probably meant by it, but, whilst I can quite easily take the piss out of myself for the way I look, do not mistake this for meaning you can too. I do it as a defence i suppose. I call myself names before someone else can get in there first. Something I developed as a defence in my marriage. If I call myself a fat bitch, then it takes the fun out of it for the 'bully' and then maybe they won't bother. I can joke about my flaws. But please don't you do it. Because it cuts me like the sharpest knife in the drawer being plunged into my (fat) skin. Maybe I am in the wrong, saying, I can do this, you can't. But it's how I feel. I cried yesterday after the little spat. I felt terrible about myself. To put it into context i described it to a friend as this :

Have you seen the film Matilda? Have you seen the part where the teacher makes the fat boy stuff himself with a whole chocolate cake in front of the entire school, to make an example out of him being fat? That's what I felt like yesterday. That fat kid.

So yes, I get up at 5am to exercise before I work. And yes I will check syn values in everything before I eat it. I will hesitate when there are buffets at work and if I decide to indulge I will only take one or two things and not a plateful, and not seconds.  I will joke about my fat arse till the cows come home. But please think twice before you join in. Because I will take it to heart and I already dislike my appearance more than any of you could probably ever comprehend. I don't need any more ammo against myself. X

Weigh in is looming....

Last weekend is the first time I've missed weigh in and gone off plan since I joined my group on august 1st. It was all planned, which is slightly better, but I'm dreading the scales.

I did some damage limitation the week before and I've done some more this week after but I know I'm facing a gain. Its inevitable. Nobody can drink that much prosecco and escape a gain.

I also had a Chinese buffet and 2 days of off plan food as well as drinking. And then tomorrow I have a funeral to attend. I don't know what we are doing about the wake but if we do go then of course we will have to eat buffet. Its at 10am and I'll need lunch if we stay around.

This morning I went for a run again. I struggled today again. I think its my body rebelling against my weekend. I'm not still hungover or anything but I do think I have a bad food hangover. Which is clearly worse as its lasting days.

I've done two runs this week and I usually like to do three. Monday Wednesday and Friday. This week I have done Tuesday and Thursday. I may do one tomorrow although I hate running two days in a row, my legs scream at me. But I am not sure a pre weigh in run on Saturday is wise either. I'll see how I feel tomorrow and if I can I'll go out. If not I'll have done two runs this week which is better than none!

I ordered myself a big tub of Epsom salts the other day and they came yesterday. Its a lot bigger than I thought but I don't mind as I love them and use them in the bath a lot. I'm thinking I may go and have a nice long hot soak with a couple of handfuls thrown in to help post run recovery and that might aid with getting out tomorrow. I don't know if anyone else uses them but definitely worth giving a try if you like baths.

I've done a big batch of syn free lasagnes this morning, and I've made a scan bran Christmas cake. Yes really. In October. Apparently we are having a Christmas themed taster morning on Saturday so I decided to give this a go. It smells lovely. I just hope it tastes alright. I also have carribean pepperpot stew to make later. Domestic goddess that I am haha. So yeah my house smells pretty divine right now.

I'm off out later to spend my birthday money if I can decide what I want. I am rubbish at treating myself. Other people I can spend money on all day long (especially my daughter) but myself? I struggle. I have a couple of ideas (is it really sad that some of them are Tupperware?)

I had some lovely comments regarding my last blog by the way. Thank you. It was hard to write but it needed writing.

Here have a recipe for the cake just in case it turns out to be amazing.

My mama

It occurred to me earlier that I should probably blog a little about my back story. This blog is meant to follow my progress in a year leading up to a half marathon for breast cancer care. I'm doing it in my beautiful mamas memory so it seems fitting to document what happened with her. Why I'm doing all this. I think the recent loss of my friend and colleague has brought this to the forefront of my mind. I'm still struggling to believe she is gone. But it's only been a week. And I still struggle to believe my mama is gone.

Its easily the biggest life event that has affected me to date (in a negative way), losing my mam. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Divorce, my own health issues, mental abuse, attempted rape - none of that comes close.

My mam was my absolute rock. My best friend. We obviously had the usual clashes in my teenage years, but to be honest I was an utter cow so I don't blame her. But she's always been the one by my side throughout all the other shit in my life. She's bailed me out. Helped me pick up the pieces and put them back together to form some kind of normality so many times I couldn't possibly begin to tell you them all.

We have also had some of THE best laughs ever. Days out every weekend nearly, and many a night spent staying over at hers with a good film, a bottle of wine and a Chinese takeaway (my dad works nights). Proper best friend material.

I first started to notice something wasn't right just over 5 years ago. She had had a cough that had seemed to go on for weeks. I kept asking her had she been to the doctors yet? And her usual answer was 'no I feel a bit better this week though so it's obviously going away now' . But it didn't. Our days out on a Saturday started to seem like they were getting a bit much for her. She wouldn't have it though. Was adamant she was fine. We were going away for a few days in the summer. We had hired a huge lovely house near the Lake District and I was going to abseil to raise money for cancer research uk. I have done some form of fundraising every year for as long as I can remember. My mam was always my biggest supporter. The loudest cheerer. While we were away, she barely left the house. This was unusual. We often spent time in the lakes and we always had a very active few days and the house or cottage we stayed in was usually just a base to sleep and have the odd meal. Not this time. She hadn't the energy. She refused to come to watch my abseil. I was so devastated. It wasn't the same. I begged her to promise she would go see the doctor when we got back. She was tired, cold all the time (coat on, heating on and hot water bottle in July). She said she would.

We got back and of course she didn't go, she quite firmly told me to get off her back or we were going to fall out. We were at a loss as to what to do anymore. She was obviously quite poorly. Was a very odd colour and getting less and less mobile by the day. We rang the doctors and asked them for help. They said they could do nothing, as she had a choice whether she wanted to be seen by a doctor or not and if she said no, they couldn't force her. We felt so helpless.

This went on for a few more weeks. I had so many tearful conversations with her, begging her to please reconsider and go and see them, see what was wrong so they could get her better. She would either refuse, or promise she would go but then not see it through.

In the end after about 6 weeks of this ongoing battle we made a breakthrough. It was horrible, because we had to all threaten to stop speaking to her, my dad said he would leave, and my brother said he would stop letting her see the kids, unless she went to the doctor. None of us would have actually done it. But it worked and she went. Immediately they rushed her to hospital. Said she had a stomach ulcer that was bleeding so badly if she had left it another day or two she would have died. She had 7 blood transfusions in total. And she started to look more like her old self. She was in hospital a total of 3 weeks getting her strength up. Then came the bombshell. She had cancer. But was too weak for treatment because of this internal bleed.

She told me it was skin cancer on her chest but also that she had tumours in the Breast. She had had this mole that had bled for years, and it had got worse and worse over the last 3 years and was basically a huge gaping wound now. She had hidden this from all of us, buying dressings and cleaning and dressing it herself. Because she was afraid to go and see her doctor in case it was bad news.

Well now it was bad news. She had an operation a few weeks later and a skin graft and she was feeling very positive. Great. Thankfully it's been caught in time we all said. But she struggled to recover and at a follow up appointment a few weeks later the skin cancer was back. Another operation was needed and some radiotherapy. Which would take place over christmas and new year.

Except christmas came and she was not well enough for the treatment. She was in too much pain. Even the journey to the hospital each day was agony for her and by the time she got there they were unable to get her into the right position because of the pain.

Just after new year, she was admitted into hospital again as she was in pain so badly and had a terrible fever. An infection they suspected. That was the start of the ultimate nightmare. After being in hospital a week or so, being treated for pneumonia, we were taken to one side and told, the reason she is in so much pain is that she has cancer in pretty much every organ and bone in her body. And we cannot do anything about it. If she had had the mole sorted when she first noticed it a few years back it would be a very different story but it's had years to spread and it's done just that.

We brought her home a couple of days later. Nobody told her she was dying but she knew. The last conversation we had, she told me she was frightened of what laid ahead. I told her not to be, it was going to be alright. She thanked me for being the best daughter in the world. And that was the last time we spoke. She was gone the next day, a week after coming home.

I think I am still in shock now even though it was nearly 4 years ago. This isn't what was supposed to happen. She is still meant to be here. I miss her every single day.

If anyone is reading this, I guess what I want you to take from this is please don't ignore it if you think something is wrong. Even if you are scared of what may be, don't throw away a chance through fear.

The work of the breast cancer care charity I'm doing this for is so vital and important in supporting people through their diagnosis and treatment. They do so much, they offer so many different forms of help that I honestly wish my mam had known about them. Maybe she would have got help sooner and been less afraid. I guess we will never know but one thing I am certain of is that if I can help them to help even one person then I'll be over the moon with that.

Happy hen-birthday to me!

Yes, you read that title correctly. No. I'm not getting married. I feel an explanation is in order. Yesterday was my birthday. At the weekend I was away for a girls weekend celebrating. This came about because my friend has a bucket list, and on the list was going to Blackpool, as she had never been. So months ago we decided to go for my birthday weekend and have a good old piss up. It's been booked for ages.

Friday tea time we all rocked up at her house. She had cooked for us so we could eat and then set off. The plan was to get there for 9pm and have a little PJ party (fuelled by alcohol). When I got to her house, she sprung a massive surprise on me. A hen party. Basically I was married once, and when I got married 15 years ago I didn't have a hen do. I wasn't allowed one. Then when I almost remarried, I called it off before the hen do had happened. So I've never had a hen do and she decided a belated one is better than none at all.😂😂😂 Yes really! Well what a weekend we had. I've never drunk so much fizz in one weekend. Its Tuesday and I'm still suffering haha.

But we had a great time. Met loads of people and dragged ourselves to bed at 5.30am on Sunday morning. Urgh. I'm getting too old for this. We booked a booth to go to see drag queen cabaret at funny girls. That was amazing. I'm so glad we did it. Probably the highlight of the weekend for me.

I am slightly scared that my mate got weighed and has put 8lb on over the weekend though. Waaah! I made myself go for a run this morning to attempt to start counteracting it. I pray to god that by Saturday I've done some serious damage limitation. I hope to get two more runs in this week. I had planned to go yesterday but I was so knackered after 3 hours sleep the night before that I just couldn't force myself out of bed. And my fella said on my birthday I should chill out. So I did.

I did 3 miles this morning though and I have walked quite a lot after that going to town for a few bits. I have meals sorted for the week near enough. Slightly scared that tomorrow I'm going to my nannas and she feeds you up. But we shall see. Hopefully she won't have done any baking haha.

Here are a selection of photos from the weekend (sorry)

The wrong kind of losses

It's been a funny old week. I haven't mentioned this in my blog but those of you that know me will have known. My colleague and friend passed away on Monday night. Only 4 days after being told she had liver cancer. I'm in utter shock. She was sat next to me a couple of weeks ago, like she did every day. We had a good friendship. She was well aware that I have my fair share of utter fuckwits in my life. She would often listen to my rants about these people, and she would always tell me I'm too nice and I should just tell them to bugger off. She was the voice of reason. A wonderful kind lady and always smiling. I'll miss her so very much.

The other thing that happened this week that I didn't mention was that I had a job interview. I didn't get the job but the recruitment process itself felt like a days work haha. There was an online test. Then one in person in exam conditions. Then a group task. Then interview. And those that passed the interview go on a list. And from that list 4 people get jobs. I felt like I was applying for the SAS. I was half expecting to be led out to an assault course at any moment. What struck me though was that my confidence was making an appearance. I hate speaking to groups, I always get embarrassed as I know everyone looks at you when you speak and I always feel very conscious that all they will see is fat. They'll be thinking, god look how massive she is, and not be taking any notice of what I say, too distracted by my chins. And then I feel the heat creeping up my neck and into my face. Then I become self conscious of that and then I just get redder. Well, I didn't! I got on with it, I don't think I went red at all and I definitely never thought about my weight. It was a whole new experience. I know I'm still fat. I still have chins. I just wasn't as bothered because I know I'm doing something about it.

Another little revelation that has boosted my confidence this week - telling someone else my weight. I have a little WhatsApp group on my phone with two of my friends that we use to discuss all things weight loss. But we have never actually revealed our weights to each other. I have always been very reluctant to do this anyway to anyone because I find it mortifying. The only people that know are the SW helpers and my GP. Even my partner doesn't know. I have always thought I was a good few stone heavier than my two friends. I look at them both and I think they look fine. They don't look as though they need to lose a lot of weight. Whereas I feel like I do. This week one of the girls hit a milestone weight loss wise, going into a new stone bracket. This led to her saying what she weighed, no longer caring. Then my other friend did the same. So I did too. And you know what? I AM heavier. But by a few pounds. Not a few stones. I felt so much better! Because I felt like I must look like I was twice the size they are. And I obviously can't do! Yes ok they are both a little taller than me so they do carry it better but I clearly don't look as hideous as I imagine. Woohoo!

This weekend is my birthday weekend away. I'm off tonight and I can't wait. Going to my friends for tea (syn free chilli) then setting off. Tonight is prosecco fuelled PJ party with a few drinking games. And of course some not very syn free snacks. See photo (oops)

Tomorrow we are doing madame Tussaud's and a few other bits then we are off to funny girl's on the night, which is a drag queen cabaret sorta thing. Then out on the town. Sunday will be recovering and then coming home.

Ive done most of my packing. Just the booze to go. I'll be raising a glass to my dear friend. She was so looking forward to hearing all about it afterwards so I'll make sure it's a good un, and I hope she's watching over us. God bless lovely lady xxx

Contemplation.

I got the latest issue of women's running yesterday, came through the post. I was reading it this morning and it got me thinking (again) about my own running ability. So many people were talking of training to beat their PBs and get faster. They talk of interval training, running at high pace and then falling back to low pace for a bit and so on. I do none of this. Obviously I did interval training with C25K, but that was run walk run. Not running at different speeds. I only have one speed, and it is not fast. Reading up on how to do these intervals, it was saying run a comfortable pace between fast intervals. I don't have a comfortable pace! My comfortable pace is sitting on my arse! ha-ha. Maybe this just means I am doing the right thing in just increasing my endurance for now and not caring about speed. Speed can come later, when I get maybe halfway to half marathon distance. For now, I suppose going at all is good enough, and if it is slow, then so what? Id be interested to hear thoughts from the few of you that do read this and are running. I also think, I am a LOT heavier than many runners. So perhaps I should not focus on speed until I'm lighter. I know I used to be much faster than I am now, but I was also much lighter than I am now, so that will surely slow me

Today was weigh in, and I cannot believe this, but I won slimmer of the week having lost 4lb! And I also won the raffle. So I left with a massive bag of fruit, plus a wok, some noodles, soy sauce, stir fry veg and some tins of kidney beans and some lentils - crazy! Im really chuffed though. It is lovely to get a little prize here and there, I love it. And the wok is green! Its a small wok, the idea behind it was, if your family are all being fat knackers tonight and having a Chinese takeaway, don't give in, make yourself a healthy version, and the pan is the perfect size for one! I was already making Chinese fakeaway tonight anyway ( I will try and add a picture) but for all of us. So we had extra stir fried veggies which is never a bad thing. It was delicious and to be honest I winged it by adapting other recipes but we enjoyed it.

I am toying with the idea of running tomorrow. Partly because I missed Friday, and partly because I don't get weighed now for 2 weeks and I have my birthday in between. I am so looking forward to my birthday weekend but it will most definitely not be weight loss friendly. Ok, food wise is probably ok. We go on the Friday night, and we have already planned a big pot of syn free chilli to eat before we set off. We also are taking fry up stuff for Saturday and sunday morning (SW friendly) and we are having pizza and home made wedges Saturday night (not really SW friendly on the pizza front but better than takeaway pizza), so we only have Saturday lunchtime to find food while we are out and about and we can do nandos or there are some ok meals on wetherspoons menu. But....its the booze. I took delivery of 12 bottles of Prosecco the other day. TWELVE. Theres only four of us. But the Friday night we are staying in, and just having a PJ party after the drive there. So we will probably go through a good few of them. Saturday drinks are just while we eat and get ready, and then we are off to a drag queen cabaret show, which will be boozy, and then out on the town. So, there is a lot of room for gaining here.

I am thinking, run 4 times this week (tomorrow, Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning) and be 100% on plan. Enjoy the weekend, and then get straight back on it next Monday, including running again, even though is IS my birthday. I need to lose 2 more pounds to get down into the next stone bracket and to hit 1.5 stone lost since I started this group, and I would absolutely love to get it that week, what a fab birthday present. I don't know if it is realistic but I can try and its gotta be better than just sacking it off and being bad for a week like I usually would for my birthday right?