A new milestone

Weigh in was yesterday and I was super nervous after not being able to run at all last week, but I was spot on with my food, and I lost 2.5lb! So I got my 1 and a half stone certificate! Woohoo! I said I was determined to run again this week starting tomorrow but that might not happen. I'll get to that.

I went to my friends house last night for a Halloween get together. Just a few drinks, nibbles and games. I had my first ever go at pumpkin carving. It's bloody hard work mind! But I think it's not bad for a first attempt. I'll attach a photo.

I had a fair bit to drink and was feeling delicate this morning. To say the least. I was annoyed at myself as I usually am very good at stopping at a certain point and switching to water, so I don't feel too bad the next day - this is a very important survival technique when you have a toddler haha. I was struggling to keep anything down and I really didn't drink THAT much so I thought, perhaps I've suddenly got a much lower tolerance level. Anyway I took myself back off to bed for a bit in the hope I would be alright after another hours sleep.

My OH came to check on me and I was no better so he said he would take the small one out for a bit so I could rest. Bless him! So off they went to soft play and lunch. Another hour later I surfaced thinking I could probably manage a bit of toast. You know what that man had done? While I was laid in bed feeling sorry for myself he had taken everything out of the kitchen cupboards, washed them out, and sorted through the contents, and put them all back so they were beautifully tidy. He had rearranged it all and got rid of clutter. He had also decluttered the side board in our dining room and allocated one cupboard just for my slimming world cook books, magazines and running mags. WHAT A GUY!!

I thought to myself, what the hell am I doing, getting hung up on marriage? I don't need that to know that what I've got is special. Look what he just did when he could have just sat on his arse? And now he's taken our daughter out so I can have some peace. As the day wore on I've got worse and things that are definitely not hangover related led to me getting some medical advice and turns out I have norovirus. Not a hangover. No wonder I feel so crap. And I'm likely to not be up to running tomorrow. Booooo. But, I'll try later in the week if I'm well. If not, it will happen next week.

Have a great week all x

Somebody slap me

I am going to go off topic again today. Commitment. It is symbolised in many different ways for different people. Im having a major struggle at the moment.

I have been with my OH for a little over 4 years. We have a 2 year old daughter and we live together. When I met him, I had been due to get married 2 months earlier, but had called off the wedding at the beginning of the year, as I knew it was not right and I was no longer in love with the man I was going to marry. I have been married before, and had a very difficult marriage; subjected to years of emotional abuse and manipulation, and I did not want to enter into another marriage when cracks had already started to appear this time around. So, when we met and later discussed what we wanted from life, both of us were on the same page, we weren’t interested in getting married.

Fast forward a couple of years and now we have a daughter. She was planned; we very much intended to have a baby. Granted we hadn’t expected it to happen as soon as it did, as I had had problems in the past and was told to expect it to take at least a year (in reality it was only a few weeks). But that was ok, we were happy. We are happy. But, now we have a child, my views have changed; I would like us to be married. He does not want that. I have changed my surname so we all have the same family name. And he bought me an eternity ring, but he will never propose.

We are at that point in our lives now where all our friends are getting engaged and married. In October alone, 3 of my friends have got engaged. 2 of them got engaged to his friends. I can’t help feeling so rejected. I know it’s irrational, but I just wish he wanted to marry me.  Last weekend we had a bit of a row when the second couple got engaged because he was a bit insensitive with how he announced it – thrusting a facebook picture of the girls hand with the ring on in my face and laughing. I know he was doing it because they are somewhat an odd couple, but it didn’t feel like that at the time. We had a conversation and the outcome of that was basically (from him) ‘I don’t want you to leave, but if you feel marriage would make you happy then feel free to find someone else who wants to get married because I dont’.

I know that this reads harsher than it sounded but it was still harsh. I have tried to explain to him that its not because I just want to be married. I want to be married to HIM. The father of my child. Finding someone else would in no way give me what I want. The bloody idiot. Anyway we moved on (ish) from that. And now today, a third couple have announced their engagement. Is it really bad that I am dreading going home in case we have another arguement? Am I being an arse? I cant help how  I feel. I don’t think I will ever stop wishing he would marry me. And I cant see him ever changing his mind on it either (he has his reasons which are valid, but probably not my place to say in a blog). I don’t know how to move forward from this. Im worried I will become some bitter and twisted old lady. But every time someone I know announces their engagement, whilst I am happy for them, I cant help but feel like Ive been knifed in the heart a little (not by them obviously.)

Someone kick me up the bum and make me see sense because I know Im being irrational. But I cant stop.

Midweek check in

I have given in to all the advice I received on Monday and have decided to have a small break from running until this cold has naffed off. I have been feeling horrendous, I am having to work longer than usual days as I am being asked to repay the time from the day I went home from work after finding out my friend had passed away, and Im exhausted. I will continue with keeping the food good, but exercise is going to be minimal (walking to nursery and back probably and not much else). Today I have to admit I am feeling slightly better so I may risk it tomorrow just so Ive done something. I need to get back to it before I lose momentum.

I was thinking earlier about how it is 2 months today until Christmas day. Wow. Scary thought. I have bought two gifts so far. I have 3 birthdays before that too, one is my partners and one is my dads, so they aren’t just a card and a box of maltesers jobbies. They require proper gifts.  I sort of know what my budget is for Christmas as Ive been doing savings to buy vouchers to spend on Christmas but I still have all the shopping to get done. Anyway, going off topic there a little, my point was, I wonder where I will be on my journey by then? I would love to lose at least a stone by then. In 12 weeks I lost 19.5lb so there is no reason why I couldn’t do 14 in 2 months if I really try. We shall see. And running? I don’t think I will increase my distances too much if at all this year now. I have done 10k and I would like to do a few more at that distance. I found it hard so I want to get more comfortable at that distance before increasing. If I can get to 6.75 miles rather than 6.2, then I will be around halfway to the half marathon distance and that is good enough for me, so that is enough to aim for by the end of this year I think.

Monday night’s tea was particularly lovely by the way. My other half is cooking most nights while Im working this time back, and Monday he made burgers which we had received in our muscle food hamper. Lean steak burgers, with smoked bacon medallions and low fat cheese, in a wholemeal bun with some red onions, spinach and mushrooms and a side of sweet potato chips.  Ohh hes such a good un. Twas really lovely.  This is my second muscle food hamper and I will be buying again, we are very impressed – and no Im not selling it haha.  We have a couple of packs of sausages to try at some point too – wondering if theyre are nice as the weight watchers ones. Tonight is chilli, which I cooked on Sunday night so he just needs to reheat it and cook the rice. See, Im not a complete slave driver 

Today I noticed my shape has changed a bit. It was a good little NSV which I probably needed having been feeling so rubbish. I took a picture in the work shower/loo (only place with a full length mirror – sorry) which I will try to upload at the end of this blog. I cant promise I wont break the internet though, I know this happens when fabulously curvy ladies are photographed sometimes haha. To most people I am still just fat but to me I am less fat than I was. My hips are less out of proportion to the rest of me and I like that. I haven’t got anything figure hugging on (god forbid!) in the photo but I think you can still tell I am not just a round ball on legs anymore but some sort of figure is slowly emerging. Yay! Another reason to just keep going. I like what I think I will become. Still a long way to go but I know I can get there. I have even started talking to a running coach on twitter and she has been advising me on my half marathon training. Basically she agreed with my approach to increase distance and endurance first and worry about speed later – so Im happy with that. She said she will help me put together a proper training regime when Im ready – probably spring time. I don’t want to commit to a specific training plan just yet when the weather may get in the way of sticking to running days. Rain doesn’t bother me but snow and ice would. No thanks.

Anyway I just thought I would check in with my random ramblings as I know Ive not been a good blogger recently, but Im still here!

Cold and flu season

I knew it would catch up with me eventually, and it has. My partner and the little one have had colds on and off between them for weeks, and somehow I have avoided getting one. But now I have succumbed and it is hideous. I set my alarm last night to get up and run this morning but I absolutely couldn’t have dragged myself out feeling like this. I may try again tomorrow. But will see how I feel. So frustrating as I had a little gain and I really wanted to obliterate that this week. I try to think along the lines that it doesn’t matter how big or small a loss is, as long as I end each month lighter than I started it. As it stands, I currently am half a pound heavier than I started October. This Saturday is my last October weigh in and I absolutely need a pound off minimum to keep that up. Ideally I wanted 2.5, so I could get that stone and a half award thats been in my reach for what feels like ages. But, I never lose when Im poorly. And certainly cant imagine not exercising is going to help that.

I will try my best to be as spot on as possible with food. I will exercise if I can but if I cant I will try not to beat myself up too much. Im just aware that November and December are both busy months with socialising, and also the weather is potentially going to prevent me running (I am not currently a member of any gym so I cant use a treadmill – and I cannot justify the cost of joining one in the run up to Christmas – my daughters presents just mean more to me Im afraid). Im not afraid of cold weather, I can run in the cold, its actually preferable. Its just if we get frost or snow. Pray for a mild one everyone!

Its my OHs birthday in a couple of weeks. Ive just spent an obscene amount of money in a golf shop buying this GPS golf watch for him that hes wanted for ages. I cant really say no. I have an expensive Fitbit, so I understand the need for gadgetry. That expense will probably put paid to anything too extravagant happening in November though. We have a 30th birthday party and a christening to attend, and I have one of my friends birthday nights out too (the night before the christening – ouch!). But, I am usually quite good a reigning it in on nights out. I drink pints and pints of water once we get to about midnight,  to try and avoid a hangover (plus its calorie free, and free of charge) and I stick to vodka and diet coke mostly prior to that. The christening will inevitably be a buffet but Im going to try and stay strong. I wont be there for that long, as my other half is godfather at the christening so he wants to stay afterwards for a few pints, so I will make my excuses early and take the little one home.  I need to check times but if I can eat beforehand, and pre-cook something to have afterwards then I can avoid the buffet altogether which would be ideal.

In December I have two social events which have both fallen in the same week. I am going for a festive trip to York with my friend, to see the Christmas markets, go to a wine tasting, and then out on the town. Its a Sunday night and we have the Monday off work. Then the Wednesday after that is my work Christmas meal. It is 3 courses. I have chosen mushrooms and steak for starter and main but Im going to give myself the day off plan as its the only Christmas meal out I have planned, and I think I deserve to enjoy it. I have previously been able to be reasonably good over Christmas in the past and managed a small gain of only 0.5lb. I don’t know if I will do that this year but I can always aim!

Oooh Ive got a bit ahead of myself here haven’t I. Its only October. Just rambling away anyway. Taking my mind off my snotty nose. Have a good day people.

Guess how much I love you

Slightly off topic today. Not talking about weight loss, food, running. Talking about life.

I saw a post on Facebook which made me think. Those little words. I love you. Do we say them enough? Do we say them too much? Can there be too much? I think if you mean it then no. There is no such thing as too much.

I tell my boyfriend that I love him every night before I fall asleep. And sometimes at other random points in the day. I tell my daughter I love her all the time. Probably even more so now she has started to say it back, in her cute little toddler voice. Its adorable. Who doesn't love being loved? Its the greatest thing in the world. Well it is for me anyway. Loving someone who loves you right back - what more could you want?

My boyfriend is not one for talking about feelings. He doesnt really do PDA'S and he isn't the type to do mushy Facebook posts. He's not that romantic to be honest. But I know its not because he doesn't love me. He shows it in other ways. He is a good dad and a good partner, he never complains about money (the greatest source of argument in most relationships) and he is excellent at looking after me if I'm poorly. He doesn't tend to randomly tell me he loves me. Not often anyway. Well not compared to me - its usually a reply to me saying it to him. That's ok though. I know we are different in this sense. I am very open about my feelings. Maybe too open.

There is a reason we differ so much in this. I have experienced loss that he hasn't. And that changed everything. Its no secret that I lost my mam. I've mentioned it before. I was 34. Too young to lose her by far. I think we all have a handful of people in our lives who make up our reason for being. Those who are vital to our wellbeing and happiness. That we cannot imagine being without. Mine are my parents, my boyfriend, my daughter. And one of those people have now gone. Loss is never pleasant. But there will always be some losses that hit you harder than others. I'm not about to assume that for everyone it would be a mother as people have different relationships with their families but for the most part I would say parents are up there.

When you have lost one of those people from your innermost circle, a bit of you is lost too. The part of you that thrives because of their very existence is dulled and some of it never comes back. You think over and over about your last conversations with them. What did I say? What did she say? Did I tell her I loved her? (Of course I did - we said it a lot). Did I say it enough though? There is always going to be the wish that you said it more. Even for me who said it often. I regret not saying it more. Our last conversation was the afternoon before she died. She told me she was frightened. I told her it would be alright. She said she was so grateful to have me as a daughter and thanked me. I told her she was the best mam I could ever have had, and thanked her too. It was lovely but weird. I think we both knew it was the last time. I can't remember if we said we loved each other. I'm sure we will have done but I cannot remember it. And I hate that.

So, this is why I say it every day. I want them to know they are loved. You never know when your last chance might be. That might sound a bit morbid but I don't mean it to. I think there is a lot to be said for love, and expressing that. Tell someone you love them. You've nothing to lose. ❤

Going in the wrong direction.

I was aiming to get my 1.5stone award today. But I didnt. I gained a bloody pound didn't I. I'm so pissed off. I didn't deserve a gain. Its possibly last weeks gain arriving late. Possibly water retention from pushing myself hard yesterday exercise wise. But I'm not happy. I want that award. Buggers. I've cooked a bog pot of speedy chilli tonight again which I'll take for lunches to work. I won the raffle which was loads of veg. So I've bought a chicken on my way home to do a big roast chicken dinner tomorrow.

I have a new 12 week food journal to start and I intend to focus. I'll run 3 days this week and I will avoid that bloody biscuit tin at work. I'll take extra fruit to avoid temptation. I only had a couple of biscuits all week which I did syn but I'll try and not have any this week.

I know I've been through a rough time recently so I'm not gonna beat myself up. I feel like I'm coming down with a cold so I'm hoping to have a really chilled out day tomorrow and be fighting fit on Monday.

We had a rare child free evening last night. We were planning to go out but we are both so tired and run down, I cooked a takeaway nandos, we had a few drinks and watched the current box set we are ploughing through and went to bed early. Rock and roll. But, we enjoyed it.

I'm doing my meal plan for the week later. Already have pre cooked chilli, obviously, and pre cooked lasagnes. I got a delivery from muscle food the other day so I have loads of chicken, sausages and burgers and a pork joint to work with, as well as mince. So I'll get my thinking cap on and decide what we are gonna eat.

Happy Saturday all! X

What a week

This week has been absolutely awful. Not much else could have gone wrong. I've had so many issues with work, they have been cruddy. My dog died on Monday too. She was 11 years old and getting around was starting to cause her a bit of bother but I still thought she had a bit more time. Bless her. I've tried to explain it to Megan but she's only 2. She doesn't really get it.

I will be glad to see the back of this week to be quite honest. I have been on track food wise despite the crap that's been thrown my way and I feel good about that. I haven't done 3 runs as usual though. I did one on Monday but by Wednesday I was already fed up with the world and extra sleep seemed to be much more tempting. I'm fine with that - I think I needed that extra hour in bed. Besides I made up for that this morning as I managed to do a whopping 6.2 miles (10km). This little mini goal was in my mind to achieve by Christmas. I won't lie, it was bloody hard. And I did walk for about 15-20 seconds twice when I got a really bad stitch, as I'd rather keep moving than stop altogether till its gone. But I did it. And I'll do it again.

Wondering if this run will impact weigh in tomorrow. My 1.5 stone award is so close I can smell it. But when I have pushed myself sometimes it results in a STS the next day at weigh in. We shall see. I really hope I get it.

We have a child free night tonight and I have a bottle of wine chilling in the fridge. Saving my syns to have a couple of glasses. If I get my award tomorrow I'll be having a couple more to celebrate.

Have a picture of my sweaty face after this mornings run. Enjoy!!