Cold and flu season

I knew it would catch up with me eventually, and it has. My partner and the little one have had colds on and off between them for weeks, and somehow I have avoided getting one. But now I have succumbed and it is hideous. I set my alarm last night to get up and run this morning but I absolutely couldn’t have dragged myself out feeling like this. I may try again tomorrow. But will see how I feel. So frustrating as I had a little gain and I really wanted to obliterate that this week. I try to think along the lines that it doesn’t matter how big or small a loss is, as long as I end each month lighter than I started it. As it stands, I currently am half a pound heavier than I started October. This Saturday is my last October weigh in and I absolutely need a pound off minimum to keep that up. Ideally I wanted 2.5, so I could get that stone and a half award thats been in my reach for what feels like ages. But, I never lose when Im poorly. And certainly cant imagine not exercising is going to help that.

I will try my best to be as spot on as possible with food. I will exercise if I can but if I cant I will try not to beat myself up too much. Im just aware that November and December are both busy months with socialising, and also the weather is potentially going to prevent me running (I am not currently a member of any gym so I cant use a treadmill – and I cannot justify the cost of joining one in the run up to Christmas – my daughters presents just mean more to me Im afraid). Im not afraid of cold weather, I can run in the cold, its actually preferable. Its just if we get frost or snow. Pray for a mild one everyone!

Its my OHs birthday in a couple of weeks. Ive just spent an obscene amount of money in a golf shop buying this GPS golf watch for him that hes wanted for ages. I cant really say no. I have an expensive Fitbit, so I understand the need for gadgetry. That expense will probably put paid to anything too extravagant happening in November though. We have a 30th birthday party and a christening to attend, and I have one of my friends birthday nights out too (the night before the christening – ouch!). But, I am usually quite good a reigning it in on nights out. I drink pints and pints of water once we get to about midnight,  to try and avoid a hangover (plus its calorie free, and free of charge) and I stick to vodka and diet coke mostly prior to that. The christening will inevitably be a buffet but Im going to try and stay strong. I wont be there for that long, as my other half is godfather at the christening so he wants to stay afterwards for a few pints, so I will make my excuses early and take the little one home.  I need to check times but if I can eat beforehand, and pre-cook something to have afterwards then I can avoid the buffet altogether which would be ideal.

In December I have two social events which have both fallen in the same week. I am going for a festive trip to York with my friend, to see the Christmas markets, go to a wine tasting, and then out on the town. Its a Sunday night and we have the Monday off work. Then the Wednesday after that is my work Christmas meal. It is 3 courses. I have chosen mushrooms and steak for starter and main but Im going to give myself the day off plan as its the only Christmas meal out I have planned, and I think I deserve to enjoy it. I have previously been able to be reasonably good over Christmas in the past and managed a small gain of only 0.5lb. I don’t know if I will do that this year but I can always aim!

Oooh Ive got a bit ahead of myself here haven’t I. Its only October. Just rambling away anyway. Taking my mind off my snotty nose. Have a good day people.

Guess how much I love you

Slightly off topic today. Not talking about weight loss, food, running. Talking about life.

I saw a post on Facebook which made me think. Those little words. I love you. Do we say them enough? Do we say them too much? Can there be too much? I think if you mean it then no. There is no such thing as too much.

I tell my boyfriend that I love him every night before I fall asleep. And sometimes at other random points in the day. I tell my daughter I love her all the time. Probably even more so now she has started to say it back, in her cute little toddler voice. Its adorable. Who doesn't love being loved? Its the greatest thing in the world. Well it is for me anyway. Loving someone who loves you right back - what more could you want?

My boyfriend is not one for talking about feelings. He doesnt really do PDA'S and he isn't the type to do mushy Facebook posts. He's not that romantic to be honest. But I know its not because he doesn't love me. He shows it in other ways. He is a good dad and a good partner, he never complains about money (the greatest source of argument in most relationships) and he is excellent at looking after me if I'm poorly. He doesn't tend to randomly tell me he loves me. Not often anyway. Well not compared to me - its usually a reply to me saying it to him. That's ok though. I know we are different in this sense. I am very open about my feelings. Maybe too open.

There is a reason we differ so much in this. I have experienced loss that he hasn't. And that changed everything. Its no secret that I lost my mam. I've mentioned it before. I was 34. Too young to lose her by far. I think we all have a handful of people in our lives who make up our reason for being. Those who are vital to our wellbeing and happiness. That we cannot imagine being without. Mine are my parents, my boyfriend, my daughter. And one of those people have now gone. Loss is never pleasant. But there will always be some losses that hit you harder than others. I'm not about to assume that for everyone it would be a mother as people have different relationships with their families but for the most part I would say parents are up there.

When you have lost one of those people from your innermost circle, a bit of you is lost too. The part of you that thrives because of their very existence is dulled and some of it never comes back. You think over and over about your last conversations with them. What did I say? What did she say? Did I tell her I loved her? (Of course I did - we said it a lot). Did I say it enough though? There is always going to be the wish that you said it more. Even for me who said it often. I regret not saying it more. Our last conversation was the afternoon before she died. She told me she was frightened. I told her it would be alright. She said she was so grateful to have me as a daughter and thanked me. I told her she was the best mam I could ever have had, and thanked her too. It was lovely but weird. I think we both knew it was the last time. I can't remember if we said we loved each other. I'm sure we will have done but I cannot remember it. And I hate that.

So, this is why I say it every day. I want them to know they are loved. You never know when your last chance might be. That might sound a bit morbid but I don't mean it to. I think there is a lot to be said for love, and expressing that. Tell someone you love them. You've nothing to lose. ❤

Going in the wrong direction.

I was aiming to get my 1.5stone award today. But I didnt. I gained a bloody pound didn't I. I'm so pissed off. I didn't deserve a gain. Its possibly last weeks gain arriving late. Possibly water retention from pushing myself hard yesterday exercise wise. But I'm not happy. I want that award. Buggers. I've cooked a bog pot of speedy chilli tonight again which I'll take for lunches to work. I won the raffle which was loads of veg. So I've bought a chicken on my way home to do a big roast chicken dinner tomorrow.

I have a new 12 week food journal to start and I intend to focus. I'll run 3 days this week and I will avoid that bloody biscuit tin at work. I'll take extra fruit to avoid temptation. I only had a couple of biscuits all week which I did syn but I'll try and not have any this week.

I know I've been through a rough time recently so I'm not gonna beat myself up. I feel like I'm coming down with a cold so I'm hoping to have a really chilled out day tomorrow and be fighting fit on Monday.

We had a rare child free evening last night. We were planning to go out but we are both so tired and run down, I cooked a takeaway nandos, we had a few drinks and watched the current box set we are ploughing through and went to bed early. Rock and roll. But, we enjoyed it.

I'm doing my meal plan for the week later. Already have pre cooked chilli, obviously, and pre cooked lasagnes. I got a delivery from muscle food the other day so I have loads of chicken, sausages and burgers and a pork joint to work with, as well as mince. So I'll get my thinking cap on and decide what we are gonna eat.

Happy Saturday all! X

What a week

This week has been absolutely awful. Not much else could have gone wrong. I've had so many issues with work, they have been cruddy. My dog died on Monday too. She was 11 years old and getting around was starting to cause her a bit of bother but I still thought she had a bit more time. Bless her. I've tried to explain it to Megan but she's only 2. She doesn't really get it.

I will be glad to see the back of this week to be quite honest. I have been on track food wise despite the crap that's been thrown my way and I feel good about that. I haven't done 3 runs as usual though. I did one on Monday but by Wednesday I was already fed up with the world and extra sleep seemed to be much more tempting. I'm fine with that - I think I needed that extra hour in bed. Besides I made up for that this morning as I managed to do a whopping 6.2 miles (10km). This little mini goal was in my mind to achieve by Christmas. I won't lie, it was bloody hard. And I did walk for about 15-20 seconds twice when I got a really bad stitch, as I'd rather keep moving than stop altogether till its gone. But I did it. And I'll do it again.

Wondering if this run will impact weigh in tomorrow. My 1.5 stone award is so close I can smell it. But when I have pushed myself sometimes it results in a STS the next day at weigh in. We shall see. I really hope I get it.

We have a child free night tonight and I have a bottle of wine chilling in the fridge. Saving my syns to have a couple of glasses. If I get my award tomorrow I'll be having a couple more to celebrate.

Have a picture of my sweaty face after this mornings run. Enjoy!!

Weigh in surprises and a blast from the past.

I am truly shocked to have lost half a pound at weigh in! I was expecting a 4lb gain or thereabouts. I don't know where that figure came from by the way. It just sounded right. So this has proved to me that while you can't outrun a bad diet, you can have a couple of days off plan once in a while and if you do exercise and get straight back on it and don't use a weekend as an excuse to slack off for a week, or a month, you will be ok.

Last week I came across a post I wrote a while ago when I was planning to start a blog and didn't really bother. It was a cathartic post to write as I needed to rant. It was coming up to Easter and a couple of people had been saying I can't diet over Easter, 4 days off won't hurt etc etc. I was determined that I wasn't using Easter as an excuse to slack off (and while I do realise I've literally just said you can have a few days off now and then, for me Easter doesn't warrant it because I'm not really celebrating anything, I'm not religious and I don't like Easter egg chocolate much either so I wouldn't choose this as a special occasion. I choose Christmas day and my birthday). These people started taunting me basically saying just have an Easter egg. Oh go on have a hot cross bun, have a cake, and ended up them laughing at me, imagining me face down in a chocolate gateaux. It wasn't very pleasant for me. The following post was the result of that exchange....

Yesterday I had a little bit of a breakdown. I've been feeling pretty miserable about myself for a while now, as I gained weight during pregnancy (which is inevitable) and I've really struggled to lose it, and I feel pretty rubbish about my appearance. There are deeper issues than baby weight though. I was mentally abused in my former marriage. My ex drummed into me that I was fat, ugly, useless etc, it was a power thing i suppose. He was very controlling and chipping away at my confidence day by day was part of gaining that control over me. Making me have so little self esteem I couldn't really make any decisions for myself anymore. Not a nice place to be. I have regained some confidence since we split some years ago but that little nagging voice in my head that he put there, will never ever go away. I was feeling really good about myself when I met my current partner. Not skinny but curves in the right places and I was getting a fair bit of male attention. I think I fell a little bit in love with him the first time we met. I know I moan about him sometimes but he really is the most lovely man
I've had 2 very serious relationships before him and he's completely different to either of them in every way. He doesn't do mind games, he's straightforward and what you see is what you get. He's also quite beautiful. No relationship is perfect (and anyone who says theirs is, is a massive liar) but he generally makes me happier than anyone else ever has. And we have a beautiful daughter, who has enriched our lives and stolen our hearts.

So, why the breakdown? Well I have been dieting since the start of the year and recently started exercising again. I am near the 2 stone lost mark at the moment and I am so proud of that. But I know I have another 2 to go easily. I've done this before, I had a lot of weight to lose after an accident left me housebound for over a year. I was on my own at the time, my ex husband decided he couldn't be arsed with a wife that was a cripple (his words) so he fucked off. Once I had had my surgery and recovered enough strength in my spine and leg to do serious exercise, I started my long and difficult journey. I had to be very strict with myself and not have these 'treat days' other  dieters do once a week where they eat whatever they like. I can't do that. My metabolism is either shit, or my body loves the fat too much to let go. Or maybe both. But I can't get away with the odd little cheat. I have to account for everything and the days I do indulge I have to be super strict the rest of the week to avoid that one day ruining it all.

I've been doing this lately. I've re-found my mojo finally after a year of half arsed attempts. And once I find that mojo I need to cling onto it cos once it's lost it's a sneaky little bugger and it takes so long to find again that by the time I do, I am back to square one.

I feel at the moment that I don't look any better for having lost that 25lb. I can't see a difference in myself at all. Which is hard, I've worked hard to get that off and I was hoping I would start to like what I see in the mirror by now. But I don't. I detest it in fact. If I could be ANYONE else in the world other than me, I would do it.

So yesterday, being involved in what was undoubtedly a bit of banter, set me off. I know nothing was probably meant by it, but, whilst I can quite easily take the piss out of myself for the way I look, do not mistake this for meaning you can too. I do it as a defence i suppose. I call myself names before someone else can get in there first. Something I developed as a defence in my marriage. If I call myself a fat bitch, then it takes the fun out of it for the 'bully' and then maybe they won't bother. I can joke about my flaws. But please don't you do it. Because it cuts me like the sharpest knife in the drawer being plunged into my (fat) skin. Maybe I am in the wrong, saying, I can do this, you can't. But it's how I feel. I cried yesterday after the little spat. I felt terrible about myself. To put it into context i described it to a friend as this :

Have you seen the film Matilda? Have you seen the part where the teacher makes the fat boy stuff himself with a whole chocolate cake in front of the entire school, to make an example out of him being fat? That's what I felt like yesterday. That fat kid.

So yes, I get up at 5am to exercise before I work. And yes I will check syn values in everything before I eat it. I will hesitate when there are buffets at work and if I decide to indulge I will only take one or two things and not a plateful, and not seconds.  I will joke about my fat arse till the cows come home. But please think twice before you join in. Because I will take it to heart and I already dislike my appearance more than any of you could probably ever comprehend. I don't need any more ammo against myself. X

Weigh in is looming....

Last weekend is the first time I've missed weigh in and gone off plan since I joined my group on august 1st. It was all planned, which is slightly better, but I'm dreading the scales.

I did some damage limitation the week before and I've done some more this week after but I know I'm facing a gain. Its inevitable. Nobody can drink that much prosecco and escape a gain.

I also had a Chinese buffet and 2 days of off plan food as well as drinking. And then tomorrow I have a funeral to attend. I don't know what we are doing about the wake but if we do go then of course we will have to eat buffet. Its at 10am and I'll need lunch if we stay around.

This morning I went for a run again. I struggled today again. I think its my body rebelling against my weekend. I'm not still hungover or anything but I do think I have a bad food hangover. Which is clearly worse as its lasting days.

I've done two runs this week and I usually like to do three. Monday Wednesday and Friday. This week I have done Tuesday and Thursday. I may do one tomorrow although I hate running two days in a row, my legs scream at me. But I am not sure a pre weigh in run on Saturday is wise either. I'll see how I feel tomorrow and if I can I'll go out. If not I'll have done two runs this week which is better than none!

I ordered myself a big tub of Epsom salts the other day and they came yesterday. Its a lot bigger than I thought but I don't mind as I love them and use them in the bath a lot. I'm thinking I may go and have a nice long hot soak with a couple of handfuls thrown in to help post run recovery and that might aid with getting out tomorrow. I don't know if anyone else uses them but definitely worth giving a try if you like baths.

I've done a big batch of syn free lasagnes this morning, and I've made a scan bran Christmas cake. Yes really. In October. Apparently we are having a Christmas themed taster morning on Saturday so I decided to give this a go. It smells lovely. I just hope it tastes alright. I also have carribean pepperpot stew to make later. Domestic goddess that I am haha. So yeah my house smells pretty divine right now.

I'm off out later to spend my birthday money if I can decide what I want. I am rubbish at treating myself. Other people I can spend money on all day long (especially my daughter) but myself? I struggle. I have a couple of ideas (is it really sad that some of them are Tupperware?)

I had some lovely comments regarding my last blog by the way. Thank you. It was hard to write but it needed writing.

Here have a recipe for the cake just in case it turns out to be amazing.

My mama

It occurred to me earlier that I should probably blog a little about my back story. This blog is meant to follow my progress in a year leading up to a half marathon for breast cancer care. I'm doing it in my beautiful mamas memory so it seems fitting to document what happened with her. Why I'm doing all this. I think the recent loss of my friend and colleague has brought this to the forefront of my mind. I'm still struggling to believe she is gone. But it's only been a week. And I still struggle to believe my mama is gone.

Its easily the biggest life event that has affected me to date (in a negative way), losing my mam. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Divorce, my own health issues, mental abuse, attempted rape - none of that comes close.

My mam was my absolute rock. My best friend. We obviously had the usual clashes in my teenage years, but to be honest I was an utter cow so I don't blame her. But she's always been the one by my side throughout all the other shit in my life. She's bailed me out. Helped me pick up the pieces and put them back together to form some kind of normality so many times I couldn't possibly begin to tell you them all.

We have also had some of THE best laughs ever. Days out every weekend nearly, and many a night spent staying over at hers with a good film, a bottle of wine and a Chinese takeaway (my dad works nights). Proper best friend material.

I first started to notice something wasn't right just over 5 years ago. She had had a cough that had seemed to go on for weeks. I kept asking her had she been to the doctors yet? And her usual answer was 'no I feel a bit better this week though so it's obviously going away now' . But it didn't. Our days out on a Saturday started to seem like they were getting a bit much for her. She wouldn't have it though. Was adamant she was fine. We were going away for a few days in the summer. We had hired a huge lovely house near the Lake District and I was going to abseil to raise money for cancer research uk. I have done some form of fundraising every year for as long as I can remember. My mam was always my biggest supporter. The loudest cheerer. While we were away, she barely left the house. This was unusual. We often spent time in the lakes and we always had a very active few days and the house or cottage we stayed in was usually just a base to sleep and have the odd meal. Not this time. She hadn't the energy. She refused to come to watch my abseil. I was so devastated. It wasn't the same. I begged her to promise she would go see the doctor when we got back. She was tired, cold all the time (coat on, heating on and hot water bottle in July). She said she would.

We got back and of course she didn't go, she quite firmly told me to get off her back or we were going to fall out. We were at a loss as to what to do anymore. She was obviously quite poorly. Was a very odd colour and getting less and less mobile by the day. We rang the doctors and asked them for help. They said they could do nothing, as she had a choice whether she wanted to be seen by a doctor or not and if she said no, they couldn't force her. We felt so helpless.

This went on for a few more weeks. I had so many tearful conversations with her, begging her to please reconsider and go and see them, see what was wrong so they could get her better. She would either refuse, or promise she would go but then not see it through.

In the end after about 6 weeks of this ongoing battle we made a breakthrough. It was horrible, because we had to all threaten to stop speaking to her, my dad said he would leave, and my brother said he would stop letting her see the kids, unless she went to the doctor. None of us would have actually done it. But it worked and she went. Immediately they rushed her to hospital. Said she had a stomach ulcer that was bleeding so badly if she had left it another day or two she would have died. She had 7 blood transfusions in total. And she started to look more like her old self. She was in hospital a total of 3 weeks getting her strength up. Then came the bombshell. She had cancer. But was too weak for treatment because of this internal bleed.

She told me it was skin cancer on her chest but also that she had tumours in the Breast. She had had this mole that had bled for years, and it had got worse and worse over the last 3 years and was basically a huge gaping wound now. She had hidden this from all of us, buying dressings and cleaning and dressing it herself. Because she was afraid to go and see her doctor in case it was bad news.

Well now it was bad news. She had an operation a few weeks later and a skin graft and she was feeling very positive. Great. Thankfully it's been caught in time we all said. But she struggled to recover and at a follow up appointment a few weeks later the skin cancer was back. Another operation was needed and some radiotherapy. Which would take place over christmas and new year.

Except christmas came and she was not well enough for the treatment. She was in too much pain. Even the journey to the hospital each day was agony for her and by the time she got there they were unable to get her into the right position because of the pain.

Just after new year, she was admitted into hospital again as she was in pain so badly and had a terrible fever. An infection they suspected. That was the start of the ultimate nightmare. After being in hospital a week or so, being treated for pneumonia, we were taken to one side and told, the reason she is in so much pain is that she has cancer in pretty much every organ and bone in her body. And we cannot do anything about it. If she had had the mole sorted when she first noticed it a few years back it would be a very different story but it's had years to spread and it's done just that.

We brought her home a couple of days later. Nobody told her she was dying but she knew. The last conversation we had, she told me she was frightened of what laid ahead. I told her not to be, it was going to be alright. She thanked me for being the best daughter in the world. And that was the last time we spoke. She was gone the next day, a week after coming home.

I think I am still in shock now even though it was nearly 4 years ago. This isn't what was supposed to happen. She is still meant to be here. I miss her every single day.

If anyone is reading this, I guess what I want you to take from this is please don't ignore it if you think something is wrong. Even if you are scared of what may be, don't throw away a chance through fear.

The work of the breast cancer care charity I'm doing this for is so vital and important in supporting people through their diagnosis and treatment. They do so much, they offer so many different forms of help that I honestly wish my mam had known about them. Maybe she would have got help sooner and been less afraid. I guess we will never know but one thing I am certain of is that if I can help them to help even one person then I'll be over the moon with that.