Back on the blogging wagon

Hello – its been a while since I have blogged. Had way too much going on to be honest, and I haven’t really been running much either. Its  really cold that early on a morning and theres a lot of ice and frost about so thats put me off, but I am still exercising most weekdays and I am planning to try and get out this week at some point just to keep myself in the game. I think training will be on hold for the next couple of months until the weather is more agreeable and it will be about keeping my fitness levels up and trying to lose weight in the meantime.

This week I GAINED a pound. I was so mad with myself. Its my own fault. Two nights last week we didn’t have the time or energy to cook so we had toast for tea instead of a proper meal. And I was feeling pretty low and miserable anyway so I did pick at the work biscuit tin once or twice. Plus, I didn’t do a food diary either. And, to add to all of that, I had a night out last Saturday (so lots of alcohol) and then attended a christening the day after (beige buffet food). The pound gain was completely justified. But this week I am determined that I will turn it back around.

Yes, I am miserable at the moment but gaining more weight will only make that worse! So, it is NOT allowed to happen. We have a buffet at work on Wednesday, because someone is leaving. Ive had a little ask around to see what people are bringing in, and it really is NOT the sort of thing I want to be eating. So, I have decided I shall abstain. I will bring in a token tube of Pringles (Other savoury snacks are available) but I wont eat anything. My other option was, do I go and buy carrots, peppers, celery, low fat dips etc and make some potato wedges, but to be honest, I cant afford to be going and buying a selection of things the day before payday (I mean COME ON! What sort of bad planning is that?!) and also, if Im going to the buffet table to get those items then am I really going to be able to resist the temptation of sticking a few other bits on my plate? Possibly not. So, not worth it. If I wasn’t going away this weekend I might relax a bit more about it but Im 100% having this Sunday off plan and probably Monday too, and I will bloody well enjoy it, so really do I need to stuff loads of mini sausage rolls and Doritos in me gob on Wednesday? No. So, I will not.

I was thinking on Saturday that I have had a pretty rubbish few months, with one thing and another, and actually, 2016 in general has been abysmal for most people I know.  Its definitely been one of the more grim years in my lifetime, with celebrities dropping like flies, and all the political things going on, people being killed over politics in some cases! So, I decided that I would do my utmost to make sure 2016 ends on a good note, and I have decided to do one positive thing each day that will make me feel good about myself and will hopefully benefit someone else. Saturday was my first day of this, and I went and bought a Big Issue from the guy who stands outside my local Co-Op. I wouldn’t normally, I cant lie. I have bought the odd one before but I usually avoid. He was over the moon, and I felt like I had cheered him up! Yesterday I joined in a gift swap, where you get matched up at random with a stranger, could be anywhere in the world, and you send each other a Christmas gift. I should get sent the details later today of who I am buying for. How exciting. This  morning I donated a small gift to the salvation army Christmas present appeal. These things I am doing wont ALL be about gifts by the way. But these are things going on right now so I felt I should join in. Tomorrow I have decided to donate some dog food to an appeal for our local Dogs Trust that I have noticed is happening this week. And then beyond that, we shall see.
Im hoping that by the end of 2016, I will be feeling much more upbeat about things in general and what a brilliant way to start a new year, knowing you have done a months worth of good deeds to turn a bad year around somewhat? I would like to think I will continue with that (although maybe not every day of 2017, as that is SOME task!) but as and when I see things I could do, I would like to do them. We have enough crap to deal with in this world, I want to be responsible for making someone smile now and then, rather than sad or angry. x

It never rains, it snows!!

Well here we are midway through another working week. And what a stressful one its been! (not because of work for once!)

I started the week off with a 5km run on Monday morning for the virtual Poppy Run, proceeds of this going to the royal british legion. I figured it was a good incentive to get my backside out of bed and straight back into the routine after 2 weeks off and the medal is cute as a button, so I cant wait to receive it. On a high from that, I went into work, with the intention of a mate date straight after work with my friend to go to the cinema.  This never panned out. I got a call from my other half about an hour before the end of my shift to read out a letter we had received that has basically thrown our lives into financial disarray for the foreseeable future. We are now facing being around £600 a month short every month for the next 6 months at least. This is not good. Cue frantic money saving attempts. I have to say I am pretty proud of myself that yesterday I managed to make enough changes to save us a minimum of £85 a month, and looking like that could easily become £100 just from shopping around for things and changing options on some providers. I know thats not £600 but every little helps. Any budget meal ideas (healthy ones) will be welcomed with open arms though!

Tuesday I got up and did one of my Jillian Michaels DVDS (Kickboxing). I don’t usually exercise on Tuesday and Thursdays but I figured a bit of extra sweating wouldn’t go amiss so Im going to aim to do a 20-30 minute workout on those days. This morning, I got up and went out for my run, but I cut it short. I hadn’t looked outside before getting ready and when I opened the front door I basically stepped outside into sleet. I figured, I am up and ready, may as well have a go, but it was awful so I only did just over a mile and then I came home and did the DVD from yesterday again. Next run day is Friday so hopefully the weather will be better by then.

The financial situation means that all the plans I had coming up for November and December socially are off. Well almost all. I have a christening to attend this month which I will still go to, and a Christmas night out the week before Christmas which Im keeping in the diary but everything else has been cancelled. Which is probably good news for my weight loss journey, and also my current health kick (vitamins and no alcohol). I’m so glad I just purchased a 12 week pass for slimming world, as this means I can still attend weigh ins at no extra cost for the moment, and this will keep me on track. That will run out in January I think, so I will reassess then, but Im going to try and buy another one if I can, as I need the group support and the weigh in to keep me motivated.

While we are on this note, I have seen a lot of posts on facebook recently on slimming world groups I am in, where people are slating their groups and saying they don’t stay, as they hate all the clapping and talking about their weight loss. Im not confident talking to people face to face about my weight loss as I feel like it just highlights to them even more that I am fat – I feel like maybe they wouldn’t have noticed if I didn’t say anything (ridiculous, as they will have noticed!).  But, I have made myself embrace it and suck it up, and I find group is such a good tool. Yes we do a lot of clapping but its lovely to support people I think. And, yes we all talk (briefly) about what sort of week we had but I like to hear it, and you do get some useful tips. Plus staying to group means you build a rapport with your leader and the others that stay and it makes it much easier to ask for help on the facebook group when people have a clue who you are! Anyway thats just my take on it.

Hope everyone is having a good week! Fingers crossed for running Friday! x

Wasnt expecting that!

So I've been busy since my last post. I finally think I got over the virus and I went out for my first run in 2 weeks on Friday. Just did 3 miles and it wasn't easy as still a bit weak and dehydrated but I got it done! I felt it was necessary as I was taking my bf out for a 3 course meal Friday night for his birthday (which is today). The night before weigh in. Aaargh. And not just any weigh in but one following a week of illness and therefore very little activity.

The meal was delicious. I had looked at on plan choices but I decided what is the point of choosing things I wouldn't fully enjoy? It's a special occasion. So I chose what I wanted. And whaddya know, I managed a 1.5lb loss on Saturday morning!! I also got my gold body magic award which is for exercising 3-5 times a week for at least 30 minutes for 8 consecutive weeks. Over the moon. Thankfully although I only managed one run, I was still walking to nursery and back 4 days this week which is 40 minutes activity a day.

Today we are having a lazy day then going for pub tea (I'll have steak and baked potato or similar) and to the fireworks. I'll be back to work tomorrow after my week off and I'm knackered. But determined to get out running, so I have signed up for the virtual poppy run which I intend to do tomorrow (5km). The medal looks brilliant. And half the entry fee goes to the royal British legion so I'm happy with that. Just gotta get my ass outta bed tomorrow now and do it! X

Sofa surfing

Well I'm still poorly from this virus. We are now on day 4 although least I can eat now. This has not been a fun week. I haven't done any exercise, needless to say. I've been ok food wise though on the days I have been able to eat. I'll take whatever happens on the scales this Saturday as I really haven't been able to do any better.

This Saturday is the miss slinky/mr sleek awards at my slimming world. I'm not totally sure why these are different to woman of the year and man of the year but I'll go with it. I've only been doing it for 3 months so I won't get a look in, but is it really bad of me to want to aim to get nominated next year? I would like to become someone who inspires other people on their journey. It would motivate me to keep going to know I have done that.

I have two new party dresses for the Xmas party season which I am looking forward to wearing. Although I have more or less made the decision I'm going to abstain from drinking for a while, I can still go out. I just won't drink. I have loads of things coming up this month. My other halfs birthday, then 2 other birthday parties and a christening. I don't usually have so many social events in one month. I usually have one or two at most. I can pretty much pull it back or escape with a small gain with that, but not with 4 seperate things. So November will be a good test for me. If I manage it.

Hope everyone is having a good week anyway! X

A new milestone

Weigh in was yesterday and I was super nervous after not being able to run at all last week, but I was spot on with my food, and I lost 2.5lb! So I got my 1 and a half stone certificate! Woohoo! I said I was determined to run again this week starting tomorrow but that might not happen. I'll get to that.

I went to my friends house last night for a Halloween get together. Just a few drinks, nibbles and games. I had my first ever go at pumpkin carving. It's bloody hard work mind! But I think it's not bad for a first attempt. I'll attach a photo.

I had a fair bit to drink and was feeling delicate this morning. To say the least. I was annoyed at myself as I usually am very good at stopping at a certain point and switching to water, so I don't feel too bad the next day - this is a very important survival technique when you have a toddler haha. I was struggling to keep anything down and I really didn't drink THAT much so I thought, perhaps I've suddenly got a much lower tolerance level. Anyway I took myself back off to bed for a bit in the hope I would be alright after another hours sleep.

My OH came to check on me and I was no better so he said he would take the small one out for a bit so I could rest. Bless him! So off they went to soft play and lunch. Another hour later I surfaced thinking I could probably manage a bit of toast. You know what that man had done? While I was laid in bed feeling sorry for myself he had taken everything out of the kitchen cupboards, washed them out, and sorted through the contents, and put them all back so they were beautifully tidy. He had rearranged it all and got rid of clutter. He had also decluttered the side board in our dining room and allocated one cupboard just for my slimming world cook books, magazines and running mags. WHAT A GUY!!

I thought to myself, what the hell am I doing, getting hung up on marriage? I don't need that to know that what I've got is special. Look what he just did when he could have just sat on his arse? And now he's taken our daughter out so I can have some peace. As the day wore on I've got worse and things that are definitely not hangover related led to me getting some medical advice and turns out I have norovirus. Not a hangover. No wonder I feel so crap. And I'm likely to not be up to running tomorrow. Booooo. But, I'll try later in the week if I'm well. If not, it will happen next week.

Have a great week all x

Somebody slap me

I am going to go off topic again today. Commitment. It is symbolised in many different ways for different people. Im having a major struggle at the moment.

I have been with my OH for a little over 4 years. We have a 2 year old daughter and we live together. When I met him, I had been due to get married 2 months earlier, but had called off the wedding at the beginning of the year, as I knew it was not right and I was no longer in love with the man I was going to marry. I have been married before, and had a very difficult marriage; subjected to years of emotional abuse and manipulation, and I did not want to enter into another marriage when cracks had already started to appear this time around. So, when we met and later discussed what we wanted from life, both of us were on the same page, we weren’t interested in getting married.

Fast forward a couple of years and now we have a daughter. She was planned; we very much intended to have a baby. Granted we hadn’t expected it to happen as soon as it did, as I had had problems in the past and was told to expect it to take at least a year (in reality it was only a few weeks). But that was ok, we were happy. We are happy. But, now we have a child, my views have changed; I would like us to be married. He does not want that. I have changed my surname so we all have the same family name. And he bought me an eternity ring, but he will never propose.

We are at that point in our lives now where all our friends are getting engaged and married. In October alone, 3 of my friends have got engaged. 2 of them got engaged to his friends. I can’t help feeling so rejected. I know it’s irrational, but I just wish he wanted to marry me.  Last weekend we had a bit of a row when the second couple got engaged because he was a bit insensitive with how he announced it – thrusting a facebook picture of the girls hand with the ring on in my face and laughing. I know he was doing it because they are somewhat an odd couple, but it didn’t feel like that at the time. We had a conversation and the outcome of that was basically (from him) ‘I don’t want you to leave, but if you feel marriage would make you happy then feel free to find someone else who wants to get married because I dont’.

I know that this reads harsher than it sounded but it was still harsh. I have tried to explain to him that its not because I just want to be married. I want to be married to HIM. The father of my child. Finding someone else would in no way give me what I want. The bloody idiot. Anyway we moved on (ish) from that. And now today, a third couple have announced their engagement. Is it really bad that I am dreading going home in case we have another arguement? Am I being an arse? I cant help how  I feel. I don’t think I will ever stop wishing he would marry me. And I cant see him ever changing his mind on it either (he has his reasons which are valid, but probably not my place to say in a blog). I don’t know how to move forward from this. Im worried I will become some bitter and twisted old lady. But every time someone I know announces their engagement, whilst I am happy for them, I cant help but feel like Ive been knifed in the heart a little (not by them obviously.)

Someone kick me up the bum and make me see sense because I know Im being irrational. But I cant stop.

Midweek check in

I have given in to all the advice I received on Monday and have decided to have a small break from running until this cold has naffed off. I have been feeling horrendous, I am having to work longer than usual days as I am being asked to repay the time from the day I went home from work after finding out my friend had passed away, and Im exhausted. I will continue with keeping the food good, but exercise is going to be minimal (walking to nursery and back probably and not much else). Today I have to admit I am feeling slightly better so I may risk it tomorrow just so Ive done something. I need to get back to it before I lose momentum.

I was thinking earlier about how it is 2 months today until Christmas day. Wow. Scary thought. I have bought two gifts so far. I have 3 birthdays before that too, one is my partners and one is my dads, so they aren’t just a card and a box of maltesers jobbies. They require proper gifts.  I sort of know what my budget is for Christmas as Ive been doing savings to buy vouchers to spend on Christmas but I still have all the shopping to get done. Anyway, going off topic there a little, my point was, I wonder where I will be on my journey by then? I would love to lose at least a stone by then. In 12 weeks I lost 19.5lb so there is no reason why I couldn’t do 14 in 2 months if I really try. We shall see. And running? I don’t think I will increase my distances too much if at all this year now. I have done 10k and I would like to do a few more at that distance. I found it hard so I want to get more comfortable at that distance before increasing. If I can get to 6.75 miles rather than 6.2, then I will be around halfway to the half marathon distance and that is good enough for me, so that is enough to aim for by the end of this year I think.

Monday night’s tea was particularly lovely by the way. My other half is cooking most nights while Im working this time back, and Monday he made burgers which we had received in our muscle food hamper. Lean steak burgers, with smoked bacon medallions and low fat cheese, in a wholemeal bun with some red onions, spinach and mushrooms and a side of sweet potato chips.  Ohh hes such a good un. Twas really lovely.  This is my second muscle food hamper and I will be buying again, we are very impressed – and no Im not selling it haha.  We have a couple of packs of sausages to try at some point too – wondering if theyre are nice as the weight watchers ones. Tonight is chilli, which I cooked on Sunday night so he just needs to reheat it and cook the rice. See, Im not a complete slave driver 

Today I noticed my shape has changed a bit. It was a good little NSV which I probably needed having been feeling so rubbish. I took a picture in the work shower/loo (only place with a full length mirror – sorry) which I will try to upload at the end of this blog. I cant promise I wont break the internet though, I know this happens when fabulously curvy ladies are photographed sometimes haha. To most people I am still just fat but to me I am less fat than I was. My hips are less out of proportion to the rest of me and I like that. I haven’t got anything figure hugging on (god forbid!) in the photo but I think you can still tell I am not just a round ball on legs anymore but some sort of figure is slowly emerging. Yay! Another reason to just keep going. I like what I think I will become. Still a long way to go but I know I can get there. I have even started talking to a running coach on twitter and she has been advising me on my half marathon training. Basically she agreed with my approach to increase distance and endurance first and worry about speed later – so Im happy with that. She said she will help me put together a proper training regime when Im ready – probably spring time. I don’t want to commit to a specific training plan just yet when the weather may get in the way of sticking to running days. Rain doesn’t bother me but snow and ice would. No thanks.

Anyway I just thought I would check in with my random ramblings as I know Ive not been a good blogger recently, but Im still here!